Please Don't Forget Me
by tarte
Summary: Post-City of Lost Souls. Everyone comes to say goodbye. No one can bring themselves to actually think of it that way. Sequel to Please Don't Blame Yourself.


Disclaimer: They're not mine.

Lengthy A/N / Warnings / Ramblings / Whatever: You lovely people. I was not expecting the wonderful reviews I got for PDBY, and being so new to writing, they mean a lot to me. Actually, I intend to write for a long time, and they always will.

That said, I'm really late in posting this. It was actually mostly written maybe a month ago, but then there was traveling, and the term has started, and I have so much work, and every time I actually got a minute to think about this I was so stuck on Isabelle. So a couple days ago I decided not to think about it and just write whatever comes. Hence, this.

This is barely an actual fic, really. There is no plot. Just angst. And more angst. It's basically a set up for some future ideas I have, and it's rather rough and fragmented (as usual). Please though, tell me what you think?

Going to leave uncompleted… because something with actual plot may follow…

Sequel to Please Don't Blame Yourself. Please Read That First.

I'd love to talk to you here or on tumblr (tothelast). In fact, in you can, I'd love for you to review there so I can respond. Tell me what you think! So please, read; and I hope you like it.

* * *

**Please Don't Forget Me**

* * *

_It wasn't anybody's fault._

_Everybody dies._

_If we grieve or not, does that change anything?_

Everyone wore white, as always – shadowhunter tradition still stands – yet it seemed so wrong, so inaccurate, for this person. For the person who only wore black.

It was possibly because of this that they all were slightly rebelling against the dress code, though they hadn't planned that out. Tradition was respected, but so were personal habits.

At Alec's funeral, everyone wore something blue.

* * *

It's a clear day.

They're outside, and it's beautiful. They end up not going back to Alicante – they stay in New York, for after all, it had been his home the longest. There's too much to do, too much to plan, and for the nephillim, one death can't stop them from moving forward. Sebastian's coming. War is happening.

It doesn't stop when someone dies.

Maryse and Robert are both there, far apart but their grief tangible enough to dissolve any tension they had between them. Luke is holding Jocelyn, their faces solemn. The Penhallows are there as well, Blackthorns too, Aline and Helen leaning on each other. Maia, though usually so tough, is sobbing against Jordan's chest. Other Shadowhunters attend as well, and even a few other Downworlders, who had met Alec through Magnus. The nephillim look strangely at them when they show up, as if they can't comprehend why, and a few of the Downworlders look like they're surprised they're showing up themselves – but Maia, eyes sorrowful but strong, says quietly but firmly, "He was my friend."

That's all that needs to be said.

In the center of these people, stand his closest family; Jace, with Clary beside him; Isabelle, tightly holding Simon's hand. The 4 of them stay close together, sorrow and pain around them and inside of them, bitter in the air, storming in their eyes. It's in the way they hold each other (tightly) and the way they hold themselves (barely). It's real and intense and it _hurts._

Magnus shows as well. He stays to the edge.

* * *

A few words are said. Nephillim ceremony. Hail and Farewell, Hail and Farewell.

Then that's over and nothing has changed. He's still gone.

A few people go. A few people stay. By unspoken agreement, a few of them each take a private turn up close to say goodbye – he hasn't been turned to dust and ashes yet, and the ceremony hasn't given them much opportunity.

There's so much that wasn't said in life that they need to get out.

* * *

_I'd like to thank you._

Aline steps forward first, giving his family a little more time to collect themselves.

She looks at him, at his body. Then she looks down at the ring on her finger, the only jewelry worn except for a blue bracelet on the same hand. Not her family name, but hers nonetheless – given to her by the one who loves her. It was largely due to him, the boy who had once inhabited this body, that she had ever admitted she loved Helen, even to herself. She thinks back to that day in the Accords Hall and smiles through the sadness, because without ever thinking that it would cause such an effect, Alec had opened the door to accepting who she was and who she loved. He had shown her it was ok.

"Ave Atque Vale, Shadowhunter. And thank you, Alec."

* * *

_I hope you told him you were bitten by a gay spider._

_I actually know what you're talking about._

It reminds him of when they went to Luke's farm, summoning Raziel; then, they had all waited for him to speak, and he hadn't known what to say. He looks down at his blue jeans (he was no shadowhunter, and he figured if anyone wouldn't mind a dress error, it would be Alec.) Now it was the same. Still, no one can actually hear him, so he decides to just… talk, until he can find the right words.

As little as he had talked to Alec, the Shadowhunter hard to get to know, Simon did like him. He was starting to realize how much he cared about Izzy, and he had seen how important they were to each other. In a way, they were in similar stances, both estranged by their parents, and after hearing what Alec had said on that car ride, he had felt he knew him just a bit better. They also both had amazing, caring sisters; Simon feels a bit bad that he had cut Izzy off from saying whatever she had been about to, and hopes she got the chance later.

So he talks. About Jace, Clary, and Izzy, and he confides – if he can hear him – that he just may, may be falling in love with Alec's sister. (He hopes Alec won't be annoyed, protective older brother that he is.) He talks about his mom. How grateful and amazed he is for Rebecca's support. How strange and yet natural it was to think, this is my life now.

"I wish we could have talked more, Alec. I think you would have been a good listener. I think when you felt like you didn't know what to say, you didn't say anything, whereas me – well, I've been going on for the last couple of minutes, but I usually don't do this. But you always paid attention. I did like you better, you know. In strange ways, we were pretty alike.

I hope, wherever you are – that you're ok."

* * *

_It _is _good to see you, Clary._

She steps towards his body, looks down at his face – There's just the slightest hint of bottle glass blue beneath his eye lids, and with the hole in his chest covered, he looks like he's sleeping, more peaceful than she usually saw him.

There's a blue sash around her waist.

She thinks back to when they first met; Alec had hated her. She thinks of that time when he had slammed her against the wall. He had apologized for that, and she knew he meant it – she, however, had not apologized for her own behavior, and she feels a rush of shame; she had said some horrible, horrible things to him, lies, and she wished she could take them back. Time doesn't work like that, though.

There had been some tension between them after that. That lasted until Alec had fallen in love with Magnus – or rather, admitted he had fallen in love with Magnus. She knew he cared about Jace as much as he did – they were Parabatai, best friends, brothers.

She holds nothing against him, no hatred, no bitterness. They were never extremely close, but they were friends, and Clary had found herself drawn closer to Alec when Jace and Izzy were fired up and he stayed silent, watching over them, trying to stop them from doing anything rash and when that failed, going along with them.

Alec cared about them so much.

That is why she doesn't think of this as goodbye. He's forever the protective older brother – and she knows he'll be watching over them protecting and helping them any way he can.

Goodbye, she speaks to him; goodbye just for now. She doesn't use the typical Shadowhunter farewell, because honestly, she's sick of it by now, and she feels like that's one thing they had in common – a part of them both was simply not a Shadowhunter, something – different – and their own.

"I'm sorry for every bad thing I ever said to you, Alec. I guess I never knew you very well, but I know how much you loved your family, how much you love them, and maybe we would sometimes misunderstand each other, but sometimes we understood each other better than anyone else. I know how much you love Magnus too, still, and how protective you were of all of us. Just know that you are one of the bravest people I've met."

* * *

_Please never say those words in front of my parents._

They approach him together. Even though they no longer are. They are still his parents, and he deserves to have them that way, for the last time.

Robert whispers, Ave Atque Vale, his voice soft and pained. He says no more but closes his eyes and stands still for a moment. Even he wore a blue tie. He hadn't quite accepted his son for who he was. He hadn't accepted him, and now it was too late to take it back, all the uneasiness, that had buried his love for him.

Maryse stands equally solemn, blue earrings and blue eyes, her blue eyes so similar to her sons – but Alec's had held an innocence, a certain light, that was all his own.

They are his parents, and no matter what, they love him; they just wish they had come to terms with this sooner, and shown that love more.

"Ave Atque Vale. Goodbye, darling."

* * *

_He's alive. Do you think I would be this functional if he wasn't?_

_Alec. I'm sorry…_

He feels hollow. Empty, lost. So this is what it felt like to lose your warrior partner. This is what it felt like to lose your best friend. Your brother.

Their binding rune looks as it always had, but he can't stop looking at it now.

Jace is so used to being strong. Or, at least, acting like it – he often hid how weak he felt by snapping at people, picking fights, shoving people away. Yet his adopted family stayed with him.

Now, though, he doesn't even have the strength to cover up his weakness. Empty. Their relationship had always been easy to him, like breathing; he had completely taken Alec for granted, a dangerous thing for the nephillim.

He remembers when he'd first met Alec; then, having just lost his apparent father, he hadn't trusted anyone, not even the Lightwood siblings at first. Isabelle, had immediately taken to him – she seemed like she was actually happy he was there with them, and it had helped. Alec, however, ever shy and reserved, had barely talked to him at first. Then there was that _certain incident_ that practically forced Alec to talk to him so they could devise a solution (and clean up the evidence) before Hodge saw. That's how it often worked, throughout the years; Alec would come up with the initial idea, even if it was near impossible (and brilliant), Jace would execute it, even if it was near impossible (and amazing). _You know, there are only four walls, not five._ They worked perfectly together. Parabatai.

Gone now.

Jace died once. He doesn't remember what that felt like anymore. But now he regrets not asking Alec how it had felt to him. He might not have known, of course, they had never outright talked about it – but did he feel it, did he feel their bond breaking for a moment? Because he felt it now. Just one more thing he should have talked about, and now it was too late too.

He usually tries not to cry – he doesn't usually need to – but now he doesn't care that his eyes are wet and barely notices his own shaking. A tear falls down on the blue collar of his white shirt. Shadowhunters are taught not to take anything for granted, and after the life he's had, Jace knows that well – but he made that mistake with Alec. Clary, he worries about losing all the time – same with his adopted parents, same with all the few constants in his life. But he had forgotten to worry about Alec. He hadn't prepared, he doesn't know how to fight back.

Jace Lightwood is lost.

"Alec. I… Alec I'm so, so, sorry, I… Damn it Alec, I'm… God, I just hope you're alright, wherever you are."

* * *

_Izzy, if anything were to happen to you, I…_

It's her turn to step forward and it's so hard to do. She's trembling; she squeezes Simon's hand, she walks slowly forwards, unsteady on her tall heels, lacking the grace she usually possessed. Lacking more than that.

Her older brother is dead.

It's like Max all over again. And again, it's her fault. If they hadn't dragged him out, if they hadn't made him go with them, maybe he'd still be alive. Still damn miserable, but alive. But that doesn't matter, the once possibilities, because those are gone and can never be given another chance. Because Alec is dead.

They were similar, the 2 of them. Not in any quickly obvious way – Isabelle, fierce and brave, rash and strong, strong in body, mind and heart. Then there was Alec – quiet, hesitant, cautious. But so many similarities were also between them – they were both so protective, so secretive, so fragile and so lost. The only one who Isabelle had since she was born was Alec. She knew some things about him before he knew them himself. Only lately, though, did she realize that she knew him less than she thought.

Of course, what he had done in Alicante had surprised her, not just a little. Still, she wasn't shocked – just ecstatic and incredibly happy for her older brother. She loved Magnus and thought that he was the best thing for Alec ever – she saw the ways they looked at each other. But she had also been worried for him, and Jace – because no matter how many people she dated, faerie or werewolf or whatever, she had never actually given her heart away, never actually fallen in love the way she saw her brothers. It was her turn to watch over them.

Then came Simon, and Alec proved to have some rather interesting things to say about that. She might be falling in love. But Alec is no longer there to guide her through it.

She blames herself for it.

"Alec – please – I need you so much. I can't do this without you – I need you – we all do. You were always so protective of Jace and me, you were always just there for me – I can't do this without you, I can't fight in a war much less just live my life. I've lost two brothers now, my younger brother and my older one, and so what happens now?"

She tries to breathe; her breath is short.

Over so many years, she, Jace and Alec, and before Jace came just her and Alec, were always together. Their parents always gone, they came to depend on each other. There was no one else who they could really trust. The past months had been so crazy even for a bunch of demon fighting teenagers, different, uncontrollable; but she always had Alec. Even when she pushed him away.

Her head is tilted down; in place of her usually Ruby, she wears a bright Sapphire necklace. The blue fills her with sadness, but also gives her a little bit of strength.

What can she do now?

_Isabelle, you are strong._

The past months had also been wonderful. So painful and hard, but some things had been good. She met Clary and Magnus and Simon. She saw more of the world. Her brothers – and possibly herself – had fallen in love. She had become stronger. Love destroyed you, but not completely. It also made you stronger.

She knows what Alec would want her to do.

Straightening up, she tilts her face to the sky. It hurts so much, but she does it, because her brother is depending on her, on her and their friends to win this, and she knows that he believes she can do it.

"Thank you for always being there for me, for even when we both had secrets we were able just to be with each other and be alright. Thank you for always protecting Jace and I, and I did think it was unnecessary but only now I realize how much I depended on you, we always depended on you. Thank you for being my brother, Alec – I'm going to fight for you, I'm going to fight for you and Max both. Be happy Alec, no one deserves it more than you do. You are wonderful, and please help us through this, please be with us the whole way. I know you will be. I miss you so much. I love you Alec. Thank you."

On the last words her voice's trembling escalates, and she can't hold back anymore.

She lets loose and cries.

* * *

Everyone leaves.

Only a very few will come back for cremation; for now though, they rest. They think of Alec, as they have been doing the past couple of days. For some it is more final now, or some resolve has been made; for others it is as fresh as ever.

Only one person remains, until all else is gone.

* * *

Magnus walks slowly towards Alec's body. Slowly. Slowly. He walks the way, reflecting back, he walked away from Alec in the subway. Like he was injured, in pain. Both times, it is true.

He blames himself. Maybe not for causing Alec to die. Yes, it was because he made Alec hurt that all this had happened, but that is not what causes him the most pain.

It is simply because he made Alec hurt.

He wants to give Alec another chance; he wants Alec to give him another chance. He wants Alec to be here again, and he needs to tell him that they both made mistakes; he needs to have him back and to stand by him no matter what. Because he knows now, he had always known and just not realized it, how sorry Alec had been. How much Alec had wished he could take it back. He saw now how insecure and unsure Alec had been, how scared Alec had been of losing him. He saw now that even though he felt this way, Alec had been going to call it off. He hadn't listened to Alec, and he had hurt himself and Alec so much.

But that chance is no longer possible.

Magnus has lived for over 800 years – but only remembers a few people who had impact on his life, who he cared for. Alec surpasses them all. He has never loved someone the way he did – does – love Alec, and he knows he will always love him. He now sees why the past matters.

"Aku Cinta Kamu" he whispers. He looks at Alec, lying so innocently, peacefully. He reaches out a hand. On his ring finger, there now is a brilliant blue ring, so close to Alec's eyes, even closer under the faint light of the stars; but never, never exact. Still, he will never forget that color; he sees Alec's eyes every time he closes his own.

"I will never forget you. I will never stop loving you. And though I cannot know what will happen when I die myself, all I hope for is to be with you."

_Alec Lightwood, I love you._


End file.
